Kaela (disconodisco) wrote,

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Suicide carried off many. Drink and the devil took care of the rest.

hello! it has been a year.broke free from the 4 year war. moved back to the fire pits of hell last month. got a new cat. still a vegan going on 4 years and some odd months. have less friends then I thought. off the sketchy drugs and soberish during the day. punk music/6th grade everyday.planning on moving back to the Bay, but may move to Washington. Dad's terminal brain cancer in remission for the time being! Getting my sister from FL for at least a year!. really miss friends in the Bay. really miss fun shows there. having fun. loner bike rides on flatland. love the tropical weather. still reclusiveish sometimes. many many other things to report, but maybe another time. it's starting to sound like fitter, happier, more productive....

I wrote this for you dear journal. My notepad on the ol' comp thought you should have it.

I remember once going on a routine bike ride to Safeway one night and a homeless man was begging for change, but before he posed the question he asked me if I believed in "Karma" as I walked past him. I looked back and said a confidant and assured "Karma doesn't exist". I remember him laughing and smiling very vividly as if I had just revealed, and sadly bludgeoned his supposed "evocation of sympathy, shtick" for begging for my change. And so I walked through the grocery isles very smug and assuming; I though he was laughing because he, like myself, thought the very same thing. But how the fuck do I know if he did or not? I just choose to take the higher, yet ignorant ground in thinking I got the semi con-artist before he got me. Was he laughing at me or with me though? thats the question that I didn't question until now, really. I was reading something about Marx and his thoughts on the bourgeois and the proletariat and like usual some crazy theory popped into my head, semi-related. what provoked it was that i was wondering if the bourgeois, who sometimes are not deserving, or appreciative of their position and 'luxuries' in life feel bad at all about it. To quote: " In common usage the term has pejorative connotations suggesting either undeserved wealth, or lifestyles, tastes, and opinions that lack the sophistication of the rich or the authenticity of the intellectual or the poor." So, I was also wondering if the proletarian who was hard working and didn't have things handed to them was much happier and more fulfilled with knowing they weren't fucking over others on a regular basis and living for themselves. Of course any of these two classes could have people in them deserving either sides of "Karma"..."Karma" came to mind because I am wondering if the bourgie people who are trying to be better then the rest are causing their own terrible symptoms on themselves because of lying and trying to be something they deep down know isn't right. Aside from my initial random thought of "Karma" when reading about Marx the next few paragraphs have little to do with the idea of the bourgeois and the proletarians having anything to do with "Karma", and a lot to do with the idea of social class causing more problems than just separation of human to human; separation of human to self.
Anyway here it is:
maybe there is some sort of karmic revenge for the actions you take in this world. not some sort of mystical "everything happens for a reason linked to religious propaganda" "karma" that is floating around somewhere in the atmosphere, (of which, turned me off to it in the first place) but a personal "karma". A balance of sorts within yourself resolved (hopefully) or un-resolved from the things you have done in your past. The bad "Karma" is all of the sickness, all of the madness, all of the unbalanced thinking they are balanced, but being fooled by connivance. It is all of the pharmaceutically controlled "safe non-drug addict" drug addicts, the real drug addicts, the bar flies, the social and not so social drinkers, the walking dead, the zombies of our nation/ world, the perpetually sick, the excuse makers, the "victims" and the slowly decaying worst offending lot of us that will never even care to change because they have secured their comfort in all that was stolen. It is all of those violent and murderous internal thoughts, that you inflict on yourself; the thoughts that make one sick either mentally or, over time, physically. Maybe they are sick because of something they had done in their past and it never got resolved. And they know it is there eating their soul away one slow ruthless gash at a time, and that it will never go away unless they really truly want to change and look into the brutal truth that they so fearfully, cowardly, scared shitlessly, hold onto. I was scared of the possibility that I was one of them. Maybe the homeless man was once one of them too and saw it in me so he laughed in sarcasm...maybe it is all in my head... All I know is that the good "Karma" (whatever you want to call it, happiness?) is something achieved and rewarded justly and it reflects monumentally how you live your life and how balanced and sane you are inside, whether it is ever known on the outside-or not(even if you are a murderer, maybe murdering is what makes you happy). Good "Karma" is never for the fake and faint of heart. what about in between? limbo "karma"? blah none of this still explains people who are just born with no "soul" either hahah if a soul is even possible..karma too for that matter. some things don't always have answers and most of the time i can't really find logic anywhere...so why do i even think and write about such sillyness?? I'm glad I am 'somewhat' content with myself...still working on things, but working and trying is key here.
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