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Suicide carried off many. Drink and the devil took care of the rest. [12 Mar 2008|12:34pm]
hello! it has been a year.broke free from the 4 year war. moved back to the fire pits of hell last month. got a new cat. still a vegan going on 4 years and some odd months. have less friends then I thought. off the sketchy drugs and soberish during the day. punk music/6th grade everyday.planning on moving back to the Bay, but may move to Washington. Dad's terminal brain cancer in remission for the time being! Getting my sister from FL for at least a year!. really miss friends in the Bay. really miss fun shows there. having fun. loner bike rides on flatland. love the tropical weather. still reclusiveish sometimes. many many other things to report, but maybe another time. it's starting to sound like fitter, happier, more productive....

I wrote this for you dear journal. My notepad on the ol' comp thought you should have it.

I remember once going on a routine bike ride to Safeway one night and a homeless man was begging for change, but before he posed the question he asked me if I believed in "Karma" as I walked past him. I looked back and said a confidant and assured "Karma doesn't exist". I remember him laughing and smiling very vividly as if I had just revealed, and sadly bludgeoned his supposed "evocation of sympathy, shtick" for begging for my change. And so I walked through the grocery isles very smug and assuming; I though he was laughing because he, like myself, thought the very same thing. But how the fuck do I know if he did or not? I just choose to take the higher, yet ignorant ground in thinking I got the semi con-artist before he got me. Was he laughing at me or with me though? thats the question that I didn't question until now, really. I was reading something about Marx and his thoughts on the bourgeois and the proletariat and like usual some crazy theory popped into my head, semi-related. what provoked it was that i was wondering if the bourgeois, who sometimes are not deserving, or appreciative of their position and 'luxuries' in life feel bad at all about it. To quote: " In common usage the term has pejorative connotations suggesting either undeserved wealth, or lifestyles, tastes, and opinions that lack the sophistication of the rich or the authenticity of the intellectual or the poor." So, I was also wondering if the proletarian who was hard working and didn't have things handed to them was much happier and more fulfilled with knowing they weren't fucking over others on a regular basis and living for themselves. Of course any of these two classes could have people in them deserving either sides of "Karma"..."Karma" came to mind because I am wondering if the bourgie people who are trying to be better then the rest are causing their own terrible symptoms on themselves because of lying and trying to be something they deep down know isn't right. Aside from my initial random thought of "Karma" when reading about Marx the next few paragraphs have little to do with the idea of the bourgeois and the proletarians having anything to do with "Karma", and a lot to do with the idea of social class causing more problems than just separation of human to human; separation of human to self.
Anyway here it is:
maybe there is some sort of karmic revenge for the actions you take in this world. not some sort of mystical "everything happens for a reason linked to religious propaganda" "karma" that is floating around somewhere in the atmosphere, (of which, turned me off to it in the first place) but a personal "karma". A balance of sorts within yourself resolved (hopefully) or un-resolved from the things you have done in your past. The bad "Karma" is all of the sickness, all of the madness, all of the unbalanced thinking they are balanced, but being fooled by connivance. It is all of the pharmaceutically controlled "safe non-drug addict" drug addicts, the real drug addicts, the bar flies, the social and not so social drinkers, the walking dead, the zombies of our nation/ world, the perpetually sick, the excuse makers, the "victims" and the slowly decaying worst offending lot of us that will never even care to change because they have secured their comfort in all that was stolen. It is all of those violent and murderous internal thoughts, that you inflict on yourself; the thoughts that make one sick either mentally or, over time, physically. Maybe they are sick because of something they had done in their past and it never got resolved. And they know it is there eating their soul away one slow ruthless gash at a time, and that it will never go away unless they really truly want to change and look into the brutal truth that they so fearfully, cowardly, scared shitlessly, hold onto. I was scared of the possibility that I was one of them. Maybe the homeless man was once one of them too and saw it in me so he laughed in sarcasm...maybe it is all in my head... All I know is that the good "Karma" (whatever you want to call it, happiness?) is something achieved and rewarded justly and it reflects monumentally how you live your life and how balanced and sane you are inside, whether it is ever known on the outside-or not(even if you are a murderer, maybe murdering is what makes you happy). Good "Karma" is never for the fake and faint of heart. what about in between? limbo "karma"? blah none of this still explains people who are just born with no "soul" either hahah if a soul is even possible..karma too for that matter. some things don't always have answers and most of the time i can't really find logic why do i even think and write about such sillyness?? I'm glad I am 'somewhat' content with myself...still working on things, but working and trying is key here.
Cutty in the grass•

lets have bizarre celebrations [31 Jan 2007|07:33pm]
So, I saw Of Montreal in June of 2004 for the 1st time, and then saw them again in 2005 some time and haven't seen them since. At that year's show, I couldn't help but notice their new electronic discoesq dancy base party music with some hip hop? The 2004 show was amazing, it was the Satanic panic in the attic tour show and I'm sure the ones before that were hellof amazing too. But I noticed a change was about to for the 2005 show, I was confused, and uninterested because this was of montreal not moving units. At that time electro dance music was popular and I surly wasn't expecting them to make electro disco dance sounding music because there were pretty far from it. And since there were so many younger kids I had my suspicions. Making a stupid story short, I wrote about it four or five entries down, two years ago...Anyway, i was just that, very confused. Well, for some reason I was in a car, then I heard that Outback Steakhouse commercial with one of their newer songs in it, last year sometime.It was funny because I had read about it, but never got to hear it............Instead of 'Let's pretend we don't exist / Let's pretend we're in Antarctica', it was something like 'Let's pretend we're at Outback Steakhouse'!" I laughed to myself and just about choked on my smoothie in shock. I was glad I wasn't listening to their new music much...I guess I ignored them because of the pop disco music, and there were so many other bands and music genres to pay attention to that had more assumed substance, I thought I already heard the best of Of montreal ,back when, anyway. And listening to their disco pop would have been counter productive in the way of enjoyment. So year and a half passed with me snubbing any news I heard of them. Then 2 weeks ago I was watching You-Tube videos and came across the same song that the Outback steakhouse marketing firm re-did (Wrath pinned to the mist.) This original version (hearing it for the first time) made me ultra ultra happy for some reason. Sure, it could have been the weed....But point is, since I heard this "wrath pinned to the myth", I actually gave attention to their newer lyrics, discarding my dislike of the dance music, but once that happened It all just fell into place because I got up and danced in my room and loved the base and electric sounds of Of Montreal. It was gay...the dancing...i mean real gay..i have not danced in a long time hahah. Other then that ESG concert when cocaine was forced up my nose by this benevolent wizard... aside from that, I realized they are the same Of Montreal I loved when I first heard them. Same wit and satire, same odd qwerks, same great ability with words and concepts on the more melancholy side. Only they have progressed in their own way which is what should happen, (even if some of it is electropop music and very different then that of original of montreal) I'm happy they have now, and I actually enjoy and respect their ability to keep playing throughout the years and re-inventing their music. The lyrics and basic OM style are still there!...Change and diversity are things I understand, and have come to embrace way more so then back in the day. Too bad I didn't realize that then, but its all good now. I wonder if people who aren't aware they have been around since 97 or longer think about them without knowing their past music...hmm..It is also weird that their original website has been given a face lift and there isn't much information like there used to be on their early albums...anyway, The video for that wrath pinned to the mist song is awesome too..reminds me of Gloomy the bear...As far as the Outback Steakhouse Jingle VS me as a vegan...I could care less because life is uncertain and absurd is what it is...They are still great musicians and Kevin Barnes is an awesome writer/story teller!!!!!!! that man.... I would rather just dance and laugh these days, then sit back and bitch. I'm tired of being shitty and sad all the time and I think I re discovered Of Montreal at a great time in my life. At the time originally too...haha I'm excited to see them play at the American music hall because all 3 shows so far have been sold out...Yay just in time!.I love them so! their new album is amazing as welllll..why had I ever forsaken thee. Viva la Of Montreal!
Cutty in the grass•

another year spent [01 Oct 2006|11:52pm]
Time is tricky bisiness.
I don't like it.
I can't tell time, but time can tell me.
Maybe we should have lunch.
Cutty in the grass•

spectacular spectical of a tree stump [29 Apr 2006|08:09pm]
I sat and stared at the keyboard for about fifteen minutes wondering if I should even write in this journal. It has grown so old over time that when I re-read my past journal entrys they seemed to be more like dream experiences then actual events of my past. I tossed around the realization that I haven't got an audience to correspond with anymore even if I were to write in it. Then I remembered I never really had an audience in the first place on here. The audience and main commentator was always that of a needy, self-indulgent, lonley girl who needed to be aknowledged via internet because she could not do it in real life, or so she thought. I suspose the latter is also why I was tossing the question in the air until a faulty catch caused it to fall on the floor and shatter into the shitty fact that not that much has changed. So I sit here lurking at the friends I used to have journal's and Myspace's wondering what they are doing these days, who have they become?, how did I loose them?. How did it come to be that I can't keep them? is it because I would rather smoke pot, hang out with Jon, and forget that other people live on earth? I'm confused as to whether I don't have friends because I am in a relationship and just grew much to complacent within it,or if it is because I turned into this anxiety freak that can't have friends even if I wanted to because what i think i know is making me crazy. shitty progressive dissorderz. It is probably both. Either way I am sick of my bullshit because I have not had "girl talk" in like maybe a year and a half. Not counting my sister. My head is filled all to often with too much nostalgia, for someone of such pardoxical disposition. I want to be social, but I don't like the whole facade game people put on half the time...I guess that is the main reason why I can't stand meeting new people. I would much rather sit in a puddle of menstral urine, and forced to listen to reggatone then listen to someones shitty lies. I say it like it is most the time so maybe also people don't want to hear the truth that i have to say. So here I am writing in the journal I created once upon a time when the nights and days were spent so unpredictable, and whether or not I should have gotten rock and roll tattooed on my right tit was the biggest decision I had to make. I miss you all and i miss not giving a fuck about anything and getting away with it. But....I wouldn't give Jon up for the world so I guess i'm stuck with my self inflicted shitty little neurosies. I am all too painfully predictable now. Why am I even telling myself this in text form? ANSWER ME BACK DAMN IT !! Dear Live narcissistic journal of magicical answers to trivial life questions. Don't do me no worng bitch. haaaaaa blah blah. Shut up Kayylaaaaaaaaaaaaa
2 are you a snake? •| Cutty in the grass•

Hello old friend. How do you do? [27 Jan 2006|05:52pm]
Some dayz sure, give it a whirl. Happy holy grail of girl.
But, more dayz then I can twirl, Things just make me want to hurl.
Oh silly, silly, me. Placing words up for the herds, of this zoo.
That's right, for this slew of rotten birds, to thoroughly misconstrue.
I'm not doing it for you. What the fuck else is there to do though?
So sit, you'll be my TV show. Complicated me, happy days of glee.
Is that entertaining enough sweetie?
Digress, digress, digress. So it's I, dancing solo in this messy room, of wooden ice.
Figure skating ballerina wearing only sox, plays with words like she's the topz.
For all it's worth I'll keep on dancing, even if you are not fancying.
Just gimmie that raw soul music.
Thats what makes me whole music.
Ray, Burke, and Pickett.
There, you got the ticket. <3Me
ya dig?
Cutty in the grass•

[07 Aug 2005|06:07pm]
You seem so bruised

And it's beautiful as it's reflecting off from you as it shines

You're in the bathroom carving holiday designs into yourself

Hoping no one will find you but they found you

And they took you

And you somehow survived

Thank you.
7 are you a snake? •| Cutty in the grass•

I was afraid of ever singing this song to myself one day [28 Jul 2005|12:16am]
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
’cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too
3 are you a snake? •| Cutty in the grass•

[23 Jun 2005|06:11pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I have found myself with a tenacious hold on eight red balloons which have stress in place of their helium. We have been floating in the atmosphere together sometime since early last week...My balloons have taken me anywhere but home. When flying too high with these balloons my mind is very obscure and the strain in my head increases with altitude....Hope. Yesterday, I seemed to have managed to let four of these balloons soar free from my grasp, onward and upward until they reach the sun and their mass bursts into a million pieces and falls in a downward spiral towards level ground eventually becoming someone else's red stress balloons. Today my toes can almost touch ground, but not quite yet. I'm reaching as hard as I can, but I doubt they will soar away from this hold until I find myself sipping warm sake under a grandiose sunset in the land of the rising sun.

My plane leaves July 11th at 11:45 from LAX and takes me into the future where I will be one happy girl landing in Tokyo,Japan. Goodbye Sounthern California. Hello Asia.

Cutty in the grass•

word up [12 Jun 2005|01:27pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

The man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as meaningless is not merely unfortunate but almost disqualified for life.- Albert Einstein

3 are you a snake? •| Cutty in the grass•

My heart hangs heavy when I hear you go pop. [05 Jun 2005|05:10pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Dearest Kevin Barnes,
Your art has poured seas of magic into my ear's for so long that I could never fathom you falling from the magnificent shrine I have created in my mind for your music. I fear an angry storm of time and trends have swept what was once our long lived love affair, far away from my grasp. All has been swiftly placed into a new era of popular pop I can sadly not narrate my life to anymore. You now play a mean throbbing base line of glittery disco pop that sprays out teen body spray every time you can actually hear vocals over the sampler's beats. How did this happen? How can you stand a crowd of twelve year old boppers who think Death cab for cutie is godlike because their name is cute like death? Puke!! I can probably make some calls and book you a show at the Orange County Urban outfitters, Only if I get some profit too. Boy, that would be a summer hit. How did you fall from grace exactly? I though you were lo-fi, I thought you were indie rock, I though you claimed Athens, Georgia, and I thought you never sold-out shows... I know this happens all the time but, It won't be like the Beatles dudes, they will drop you like flies tomorrow. Oh, how time and change seem to erode what music once based itself on. Everyone cashes in sooner or later I guess. It's only progression...and where would us humans be without that? Still, I am Jaded. I wasn't expecting you to cross over to the dark side though. Why don't you just break up before things get any worse? If I wanted to dance I would drown myself and then go chill with James Brown or fucking go to LA and watch a moving units show. Nah, scratch that. I won't be merrily singing along to any album after the year 2002. I hope you are having fun joking around with your music and trying new things and all, but I know you are better then this. I will never forget the music you once were. At least I can say that. Old school is the better school. Don't forget yo roots.
Viva La Cherry Peel,
Kayla Couvillion

Last night Jon and I decided to make a trip to the Che' cafe because Of Montreal was playing and that band has been on my stereo since I could say Happy yellow bumblebee and the che' is Jon's home venue. They played in LA Friday night but, I didn't want to go to another fashion show in LA because I was in a good mood and didn't feel like I needed to be a cynical ass. Besides I have a nice cold trying to get at me and San Diego is a nice old change. Wellllll, pop my fallacy and turn me into reality, I was in for it either way..We got there at 7:30 and there was a huge insane annoying line of twelve year old scene children that somehow were trying a go at their older brother or sister's identity and failing miserably. We were confused and Jon said he has never seen it this bad before at the che' and he couldn't find a single person he knew. We rode it off as an all ages show these days (because this is the first one we have been to in a good awhile.) Turns out it was some lame ass rilo killy band that attracted the crowd. Anyway, it sold out and we could not get in. I was irate because we drove so far and they only play about once a we left went further south, killed some time, calmed down, smoked some weed, and then went back and snuck into the show through a cut and then waited for them to play. As I was standing there laughing at the rather odd crowd I felt like my childhood done passed me by and left Jon, the che' cafe, and myself as the baby-sitters. It felt weird. I felt out of place. I felt like a chaperone. I'm only 21, but boy I felt a generation gap forming caverns in distance of age and mind. I remember and love those days when I was a little asshole kid going to shows every night and fucking everything up for the sake of it, so I will set it aside. BUT, I will never go to an all ages show again. At least Simi-sober anyway. I'm tired of rock and roll post 1990 realllly anyway. So there isn't much need. Anyway........They opened their set with some Emerson Lake and Palmer sounding crap and filled the middle of their set with shit off their new album which was some poppy disco crap, Then ended it with a little hip hop flowing????It's crap. crap, crap, crap. I was disappointed. Oh, well...I still had a good time because the show was free and I liked the area and the jokes and poking fun Jon and I shared together were priceless. I think Of Montreal are having fun with their music these days and don't care what they play as long they are having fun...I dig it thats cool. I just don't like their stuff these days. In turn, they should really just break up and keep the memory alive. Keep the roots alive. I hope you never sell your souls to Radio waves. Thats all I have to say about that.

7 are you a snake? •| Cutty in the grass•

This is for the Gz and this is for the hustlaz [28 May 2005|05:54pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

So this one time, My bike got stolen, My records got water dripped all over them for god knows how long from a broken pipe in the ceiling, and my checking and savings account both got robbed of $310.50 dollars that I did not withdraw at a 711 in Ontario. I did find thirty dollars inside and behind our cash register, $20 dollars on the floor outside, a whole new collection of organic all natural animal product free products worth a cool 300 dollars at least, of which I would never spend on products, and my records some how came out completely untouched of any water what so ever (plastic works wonders.) I am getting reimbursed for the money that was stolen from me in the end. All in the span of one loco week. So do I have good Karma or bad Karma? Limbo Karma, ya dig it?

Cutty in the grass•

[06 May 2005|06:21pm]
Doesn't All this chi-chi fashion scene shit ever get exuasting over a time? I think it's about time to call it a bad dream!!!So you can all go home now and stop contaminateing shows that were once based on music and only that.
5 are you a snake? •| Cutty in the grass•

[29 Apr 2005|08:46pm]
Unread books pile upon the nowhere man.
What time does the clock say again?
When will the two sides of the same coin combust into simple beauty?
Common substance.
I'm still waiting for that day.
Two minutes late and you are fired.
Cutty in the grass•

Listen up weird monkey kids. [17 Apr 2005|02:37pm]
What's the biznasss?
I'm updating?? It's almost the fucking summer time. Fuck. Summer time is magic time. I've hidden away in the davenport all winter long and yes I'm a tad moth eaten but, ain't no shit the sun can't mend. Party wit me bitchs.Get on legal marry Jane and lets smoke some blunts in public. I don't know how long these happy thoughts will last soo act now my friends. I Swear to god that my day usually depends on what album or song is playing. So as long as we keep the volume up and the funky beats on spin, we can all get down.
3 are you a snake? •| Cutty in the grass•

Da Da [14 Nov 2004|04:01pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

No circulation to the limbs.
No circulation in the mind.
Please, circulate soon.

Get me away I'm dying

Cutty in the grass•

She's the master [12 Oct 2004|12:10am]
My mama says I'm reckless, my daddy says I'm wild
I ain't good lookin' but I'm somebody's angel child
Cutty in the grass•

I'm okay. [29 Sep 2004|08:42pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Espresso and love?
or love like Espresso?

Past week in a half..

Spark my random once more. Come faster weekend please come.

Departure and worry, and worry, and worry.

3 are you a snake? •| Cutty in the grass•

in the apartment of babble [20 Sep 2004|12:36am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

The synapse of life crashed onto the rocks of moment and memory. Then was now and now was tomorrow. Our souls were re-sensitized with color and sound. Reality is to confusion, as confusion is to madness. We are existence and there are no gods before us. Chestnut Street was the complete film of unadulterated reality.

At least it seemed that way then..

Cutty in the grass•

Hush-hush monikers stiched on pant legs [04 Sep 2004|02:03am]
Sometime ups
Outnumber the downs
But not in Nottingham

I am completely inspired to work on my handbags and art in the coming days. I never can wait to see what my creativity will produce.
I need to take a web design/DMA classes pronto.
I need a website to display and sell my art.
Help me. If you can. I'm open for ideas.
I will be working on handbags for until further notice.
Cutty in the grass•

Once apon a time [20 Aug 2004|01:05am]
In a faint remembrance of mind, I sat beneath the shattered glass of a sunny night, elusively veiled with the souls of Spanish moss draped Cypress trees. The air was murky in it's humid glow, surrounding a bank of muddy waters. All was silent except for the faint lament of a river's song, and the picking of a banjo accompanied by an old tattered guitar's strum. We had traveled as far south as possible that night, leaving the Mississippi Delta just a place on someone's map. The rings from our smoke ignited the urge to drink our whiskey until daylight peered through the sullen moss. The Bayou in the summer months of 1937 was my rambling ground.
Cutty in the grass•

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